| Sadist
.. ( "in order to know virtue, we must first acquaint ourselves with vice"....de
Sade ) |
 A
person who derives pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting
pain, suffering or humiliation on others. The word comes from the name
of Donatien Alphonse Francois, compte de Sade, known as the Marquis de
Sade (1740 - 1814). This 18th century French soldier and writer had his
career interrupted by long periods of imprisonment for cruelty and debauchery.
While in prison he wrote several sexually explicit works which explored
the darker side of sexuality. He was born in Paris in 1740 to a noble family
and fought in the French army during the Seven Years' War. In 1772 he was
tried and sentenced to death for a series of sexual crimes. He escaped
to Italy, but on his return to Paris in 1777 he was arrested and imprisoned
at Vincennes. After six years at Vincennes he was removed to the Bastille
and in 1789 to the Charenton lunatic asylum. He was released from the asylum
in 1790 but arrested again in 1801. For the rest of his life he was moved
from prison to prison and in 1803 again incarcerated at Charenton, where
he died. In many of his writings, which include The Story of Juliette (6
volumes, 1797) and The Bedroom Philosophers (1795), de Sade described in
great detail some of the extreme and sometimes cruel sexual activities
that he himself practiced. The term sadism, originally used by psychiatrists
to denote what they consider a 'neurosis' wherein sexual satisfaction is
gained by the infliction of pain on others, was derived from his name.
In de Sade's philosophy, both criminal and sexually deviant acts are regarded
as natural. His works were condemned as obscene and their publication was
banned well into the 20th century. They are more freely available now,
so you can decide for yourself whether de Sade was a persecuted surrealist
before the term was fashionable or just cruel and crazy.
de
Sade :- "What does one want when one is engaged in the sexual act? That
everything around give you its utter attention, think only of you, care
only for you...every man wants to be a tyrant when he fornicates."
de
Sade :- "No kind of sensation is keener and more active than that of pain;
its impressions are unmistakable." |
| Safewords
(and Safe-Signals) |
 Pre-arranged
words or signals that can be used by a submissive in BDSM play to slow
down or stop the action. I sometimes come across those who deride the idea
of safe-words, saying that a 'real' master or dom knows instinctively
when a sub is reaching her limit. Its a romantic notion but my view is
that, for most people and in most circumstances, it's also dangerous bullshit.
Its arguably possible that in a very long-standing and committed D/s relationship,
where a couple have played extensively and communicated at the deepest
levels for a considerable time, the dom may know his submissive so well
that he is able to pick up non-verbal clues as to her state of well-being
easily and understand her emotional needs and physical responses better
than she understands them herself. That degree of closeness is theoretically
possible. In most circumstances however, and certainly with anyone you
don't know to that rare degree, a safeword is a very good idea if you're
doing something that has the potential to be emotionally or physically
dangerous. If someone tells you its not, then he or she is on a dangerous
ego trip and is best avoided. There are no universally agreed safewords
(although a blood-curdling scream comes pretty close ) but the 'traffic
light' system is fairly widespread and useful, with Green meaning go ahead,
Amber meaning proceed with caution, and Red meaning stop immediately !
Work out what feels best for you and is least intrusive. Use safewords
with care, particularly ones which call for a complete halt, because
you may not be able to re-start the scene. If verbal communication
is not possible, for example if your submissive is gagged, then you need
some kind of non-verbal signals to indicate that everything is OK or that
there's a problem. You might also be intererested in the related subjects
of negotiation and limits |
| Safe,
Sane and Consensual |
 If
you spend any time at all around people interested in BDSM, you will hear
this phrase repeated over and over to the point where you might have to
grit your teeth to stop screaming. I suppose the reason it is so over-used
is that it so neatly encapsulates the principles of any good BDSM play
or relationship. It needs to be safe; you do not put people at emotional
or physical risk. It needs to be sane; BDSM Play is not the place to play
out your neuroses because , in doing so, you can hurt people. It needs
to be consensual; anything done to to a person without their consent shows
at best a lack of respect and more often is abusive. Genuine consent, of
course, can only be given by someone who is in full posession of the facts.
Good guiding principles. |
| Safe
Sex |
 It
would be possible to fill a whole book (and many have) on the subject of
safe sex. While that is clearly beyond the scope of a short guide like
this, it is such an important subject that I have to give it a mention,
albeit an abbreviated one and on the understanding that I am not an expert.
By safe sex I mean sex which does not impair the physical or emotional
health of either partner. If you are in a long-term monogomous relationship
with your play-partner then you may be secure in the knowledge that you
have communicated well about limits and developed sensible safewords and
precautions which minimise the risks of BDSM play. You may also be reasonably
confident that you are both disease-free. However people who are just entering
into a new relationship, or who are contemplating casual BDSM sessions
with strangers, particularly those which involve genital or oral sex, will
need to be a little more careful. In any new relationship you aren't just
sleeping with your partner, but everyone they've been with before you.
The HIV virus lives in blood, semen and possibly other body fluids. Contact
with mucous membrane or an open wound is potentially infectious. There
are several other nasty and potentially life-threatening sexually transmitted
diseases too. If you are entering into what you hope will be an ongoing
relationship, its sensible to each have bood tests done and avoid unprotected
sex until you know you are both clear. Where there is doubt, always wear
a condom for oral or genital sex. Be careful and check it, because condoms
regularly break. Do not use any sex-toys (vibrators, dildos) on more than
one person without scrupulously cleaning them in between with a good disinfectant.
Be equally careful to clean any toys which might break the skin and be
exposed to blood (eg whips, canes, clamps etc ). Wear latex gloves (the
kind your doctor or dentist probably wears) for any anal or vaginal fingering.
Use a thin rubber or latex dental dam for oral/vaginal/anal
sex. If you get cut or nicked during play, clean the wound immediately
with an antiseptic and cover it with a plaster. When you negotiate
a scene get all of this clear upfront and, if your prospective partner
doesn't seem to be interested in safety, don't even think about going further.
I know all of that sounds a bit scary, but getting AIDS is a whole lot
lot scarier. Because of the increasing risks more scene couples have started
to practice body fluid monogamy, where both partners
in a steady relationship decide to share body fluids only with each
other to avoid the risks of contracting sexually transmitted diseases,
and only have sex with others outside of the relationship by practicing
strict safe sex. The fact is that the days of carefree unprotected sex
are long gone, but its still possible to have fun if you're sensible. |
| Scat |
| Play
involving faeces (shit); eating it, smearing it over things, being shit
upon, etc. You get the idea. |
| Scene
(Sceneing) |
 A
multi-purpose word. The 'scene' (noun) is a term often used to describe
the whole BDSM community or the many aspects of it you might come across,
like 'scene parties' or 'scene clubs'. It can also be used to describe
an individual BDSM session, as in "I had a great scene with her last night".
This ubiquitous word can also be used as a verb, as in "do you want to
scene with me", meaning do you want to have a BDSM session with me,
or "she spends her life sceneing". Used in this way, it is synonymous with
the word 'play' . A BDSM 'scene' can involve
anything from a light spanking to a full-blown orgy. The 'scene' can either
be 'real', taking place in the physical world, or 'virtual' , taking place
in cyberspace, ( see the note on cybersex ). The purpose
of a 'scene' may be sexual gratification, or it may have other aims such
as using pain, fear or drama to create catharsis or enlightenment. Mostly
its just some BDSM folks getting together to do what comes unaturally. |
| Slave |
 A
slave, in its traditional meaning, is a person who is the legal property
of another and is therefore forced to obey them. In BDSM, the term can
either mean very little or an awful lot. At one end of the scale someone
may simply agree to a 'scene' or play-session in which they will adopt
the role of a 'slave' and possibly even wear a collar
to indicate their status. The moment the 'scene' is over, they cease to
be a 'slave'. The word 'slave' is also used fairly interchangeably with
'submissive' by some, although the words do have different meanings. Every
slave is submissive, but every submissive is not a slave. There are those
for whom the word 'slave' means much more than simply adopting a role or
having a general tendancy to be submissive. For them it implies a deep
and structured D/s relationship in which the 'slave' is owned by
a 'master'. In this situatuation a submissive who agrees to be owned may
be 'collared' by her future master to signify his ownership, and in this
case the collar can have the same kind of power and symbolism as a wedding
ring. Some people sign 'contracts (sometimes called slave-contracts) setting
out the nature and limits of their relationship. Since these are unenforcable
in law either party can walk away from the arrangement at any time they
wish without penalty, and so you could argue that slave-contracts are just
a prop in a role-playing game. However some believe they force couples
into thinking carefully about the nature of their relationship in advance,
help to avoid unwanted surprises, and provide a sense of security thereafter.
Others take the view that nothing except love is strong enough to make
someone into a willing slave and keep them in that condition when things
go wrong, and without that you really are just playing. A master/slave
relationship can be extremely deep, intense, and powerful. It exists at
the extreme end of the power exchange between submissives and dominants.
It must never be used as a license for abuse. There are related notes on
this page about submissives, and also 'abusive relationships',
'contracts' and 'master'
if you follow these links too |
| Spanking |
 Spanking
involves striking your partners buttocks with your hand or a sometimes
a flat implement like a hairbrush or paddle. It sounds so simple, but in
fact its a delightful art that gives enormous pleasure to those of its
devotees who give and receive spankings. Spankings can be disciplinary
or erotic, although that line is often blurred. The most usual and familar
position for spanking is 'over the knee' (OTK) where
the submissive will lay face down across the lap of the dominant, presenting
her ass for a spanking. Other positions are bending over a table or chair
back, touching the toes, or laying face down on a sofa or bed, sometimes
with a cushion or pillow under the hips to raise the ass. Some spankers
favour a flat palm with fingers together, while others prefer to have the
palm slightly cupped. The slaps should aim to sting, rather than bruise,
so don't 'follow through'. The beauty of a hand spanking is that the hand,
unlike whips or paddles, is sensitive. You can feel the temperature and
texture of the skin you are spanking. You can stop to caress and appreciate
your handiwork. Both you and the submissive can enjoy a whole range of
sensations from the contact of skin with skin. Start spanking slowly, aiming
for the fleshy parts at the top and underside of the ass and avoiding the
base of the spine and tailbone. The central area where the lower curve
of the ass meets the thighs is very sensitive and is therefore sometimes
called the 'sweet spot''. If its an erotic spanking, then vary the pace
of your spanking, alternating flurries of sharp stinging smacks with periods
of rubbing and fondling. If its purely disciplinary then you might wish
to forego the rubbing and fondling and concentrate on turning the ass and
the tops of the thighs (very sensitive) a satisfying red. Spanking someone
is not just about slapping their ass. At its best, its a deliciously erotic
conversation between your skin and hers. |
| Spreader
Bar |
St
Andrews Cross |
 A
bondage device, the spreader is a rigid bar of varying lengths, attached
at the ends either to the wrists or ankles, which keeps the arms or legs
apart and renders the submissive particularly helpless and vulnerable. |
 The
St Andrews Cross is an X-shaped cruxifiction device usually made of wood.
The submissive is tied or chained to the cross, either facing towards or
away from it, depending on what you intend to do with her. |
|
| Sub
Space |
| A
blissful and euphoric state reported by some submissives during BDSM play.
See the note on Endorphins |
| Submissive
(sub) |
A submissive (often abbreviated to 'sub') is a person of either gender
who submits to the will of a dominant, either for
limited sexual play or within a longer-term relationship.To many, submission
is an odd concept. Why would an otherwise intelligent adult voluntarily
let someone else be 'the boss of them' ? Well it may be because submission
is not a choice you make, it's who you are. Submissives come in all shapes
and sizes. A powerful international tycoon is just as likely to be a submissive
as a shy teenage girl. Some submissives are able to compartmentalise their
lives, appearing to the world as confident and controlling but still managing
to have private times when they can abandon that control. For others the
need to submit is more powerful and will dictate the kinds of long-term
relationships they enter into and the life they lead. There are those who
have a generalised need to be submissive and express this with a succession
of inter-changeable partners, and others who only feel the need to be submissive
with one special person. For some, submission is limited to sexual play
while for others it permeates every aspect of their lives. In return for
granting power to a dominant a submissive receives the freedom to 'let
go' ; to unlock the door and let the secret inner-self come out to play
in safety. Day-to-day concerns and the need to make decisions cease to
matter to a submissive once she is totally focussed on, and submitting
to, the will of a dominant. In submitting to control like this the submissive
can, paradoxically, become free. Clearly a deep surrender of control involves
placing a great deal of trust in the dominant and isn't appropriate for
a BDSM session with a relative stranger, where the risks require
that the nature of play and its limits should be subject to negotiation
first. In a committed D/s relationship though, a dominant and a submissive
have the chance to gradually earn each others trust. Trust is hard-won
and easily lost, but it is the living, breathing heart of submission. The
more a submissive builds trust with her dominant, the more a unique and
exhilarating kind of freedom becomes attainable. The roles of submissive
and dominant demand equal respect. Being a submissive does not make you
'weak' or 'a doormat'. Real submission requires strength and resolve. Some
say that within any relationship involving domination and submission the
submissive has the upper hand because she can withdraw at her whim the
power enjoyed by the dominant, and indeed that may be true of a very
shallow and superficial kind of submission. It is probably truer to say
that succesful D/s relationships are always built upon a mutual fulfillment
of needs. Domination and submission are the yin and yang of BDSM,
the equal and complementary opposites that, through their benign sybiosis,
create relationships of terrific strength and vitality. Neither one can
live without the other. You may be interested in the related notes on slaves
(above) and on D/s and dominants
too . |
| Suction
Cups |
Suspension
Bondage |
 Cups
that are placed over the breasts creating a partial vacuum inside, sometimes
assisted by pumps. The effect is to cause the tissue inside to become engorged
with blood and expand, increasing its sensitivity. |
 An
advanced bondage technique in which the submissive is 'suspended' off the
ground by means of ropes or other restraints. It can offer great sensations
of helplesness but it requires care and skill to avoid accidental damage
to joints. |
|
| Switch |
| A
top likes to give pain or sensation, a bottom likes to receive it, and
a switch is a person who enjoys both roles. See the notes on bottom,
top,
dominant
and submissive for more information. |
