| Abuse
( Abusive relationships and BDSM ) |
 Both
men and women can be abusers. If you see a big, beefy guy beating a tiny
woman black and blue with a bullwhip, is that abuse ? If you see an agressive
woman at a party humiliating a seemingly hen-pecked male partner about
the inadequate size of his dick, is that abuse ? The answer in both cases
is that things aren't always what they seem. To many people all BDSM
is abusive, but those involved know it's a bit more complicated than that.
One fundamental difference between BDSM and abuse is that the former is
consensual but the latter isn't.To an outsider this distinction may not
be obvious, however abuse is only present where consent is absent.
Many D/s relationships are characterised by deep levels of caring and kindness
but only a fool would deny the dangers inherent in a lifestyle where relationships
can be based upon domination and submission (D/s). Sometimes BDSM draws
to it people who have been psychologically damaged by rape or previous
abusive relationships. It also attracts bullies who need to abuse others
to compensate for their own insecurities. There are obvious risks, so exercise
great care in your choice of partners and relationships if you wish to
explore BDSM. The basis of any successful D/s relationship is a mutual
fulfillment of needs. If it does that, then it doesn't matter how odd it
may seem to anyone else. No-one can judge a relationship from the outside
because only the persons involved know whats really happening, but that
never stops meddlers. Every day couples part because of the ill-informed
and often prejudiced advice of 'friends' and self-styled 'experts'.
Believe me, there is no 'rule-book' for D/s relationships because each
one is unique.The best, and possibly only, indicator is how you feel about
yourself within the relationship. If you feel happy and valued then
it's probably right for you. If you are left feeling degraded, hurt or
depressed on a regular basis then something's wrong. If you feel
that you are in an abusive relationship you must either take action to
change it or get out. Certainly 'doing nothing' isn't a sensible option
because abuse has a habit of getting worse and any violence is likely to
become more severe in a recurring cycle of damage and remorse. In any relationship
that is going wrong the first step is always to try talking to your partner,
openly and honestly, about how you feel. Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes
people genuinely don't understand the effect of their words and actions
on others. Try talking first if you can. If that doesn't work then you
can either seek help (some form of counselling for both of you) or just
walk away. If your partner doesn't acknowledge the problem and resists
any external help then terminating the relationship may ultimately be your
only realistic option. Whatever other considerations there are your safety,
both emotional and physical, must come first. Local psychotherapists, doctors,
or religious counselors can all help. There are many other resources, both
locally and nationally, to help those in abusive relationships. Understand
though that most 'vanilla'
(non-BDSM ) people do not understand, are scared by, and are censorious
of, any D/s relationship and may automatically see it as abusive. Others
who have been in abusive relationships may be understanding but they can
also lack objectivity because of their personal history. 'Friends' advice
is often filtered through their own prejudices. Only you can judge whether
the relationship is abusive. You're the only one whose opinion matters
on this subject. Additional information which might help you is available
from the National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and
1-800-787-3224 (TDD) |
| Adult
Toy Stores |
 Throughout
this guide you'll see referances to implements of various kinds that can
be used in BDSM play, things like whips, paddles, hoods, nipple clamps,
sex-toys, vibrators, and other more exotic things. You may, at some point,
wish to try some of these things out. Where do you find them ? Well, most
towns have adult sex stores these days where you can buy a range of sex
products, and in recent years there has been an explosion of stores like
this offering the same products online which for many is a more convenient
and less embarrassing way of shopping for sex products. Some of the stores
are good but some just sell shoddy, overpriced tat. Many conventional sex
stores make a token nod to BDSM by offering cuffs, restraints and other
things they think might appeal to the BDSM community but quite often these
things are either rubbish or downright dangerous because the sellers have
no experience of BDSM. For your own safety, you need to shop somewhere
that caters specially for the BDSM community and understands its needs.
Just so we're clear, this is not a pitch to try and sell you anything.
Check out your own adult toy stores locally or online and make up your
own mind. However, just in case you do want some help, then try the online
Sub-Shop run by Autumn at...
the Sub-Shop |
| Age
Play |
 Hormonal
housewives in school uniforms and corpulent merchant bankers in diapers.
Eeeek! Thats enough to scare the pants off anyone ! Age Play involves
adopting different roles to express a fetish based on age. For example
it can take the form of teacher and naughty schoolgirl or mommy and
child (see also Infantilism).
The mind is an erogenous zone hungry for novelty and fed by fantasy. If
you love to see your submissive dressed up as a cheeky schoolgirl, or go
weak at the knees when your master adopts the role of a strict teacher
with a swishy cane, don't worry. It's a relatively common and harmless
fantasy between consenting adults (adults being the operative word). The
only note of caution is that you may sometimes need to be a little careful
if you find things are becoming too intense. To most people age-play
is superficial and harmless fun, but to others it can become a way of revisiting
and confronting psychological problems from their childhood.This isn't
necessarily bad, but you need a great deal of skill and understanding to
safely control a scene of that kind. Very deep age-play isn't something
to be done casually, because you can end up doing more harm than good.
See also Role Play |
| Anal
Sex or Anal Play |
 Any
sexual or fetish practice that centres on the anus (known more colloquially
as the ass-hole). Anal sex, if you're careful, is as safe as any other
kind of sex and an irresistable turn-on to large numbers of people. The
anus can be an intensely erogenous zone, containing as it does more nerve
endings than any other part of the male body, and more than any part of
the female body except the clitoris. "Anal sex" covers a wide range
of activities, from simply stroking or licking your partner's anus,
to actually sliding fingers inside your partner and stroking them, to full
anal intercourse ( see also rimming,
enema play, and
anal fisting ).
Just a few simple tips that might help if you're new to this. First of
all, if you're going to be on the receiving end then make sure you've gone
to the bathroom before playing and washed your ass thoroughly. Some go
further and use an enema
for extra internal cleanliness, but most people don't. The anus is made
up of two rings of muscle, called the external and internal sphincters.
The external sphincter is under your voluntary control and you can relax
it at will but your internal sphincter is not under voluntary control so
if you're tense it will tighten and trying to force anything into it will
hurt. So if you're the one doing it, take your time, relax, and talk to
your partner about whats going to happen. Lubrication is also very important.
The anus doesn't self-lubricate, so you need to use a water-soluble lubricant
such as KY Jelly. Don't be stingy with it, use lots because the more lube
you use, the more comfortable your partner will be. Use a latex barrier
such as a glove for fingering, a dental
dam for licking, and a condom for fucking. These are sensible
precautions anyway, but especially for anal sex which some think
is the riskiest kind of sex with regard to transmitting STDs of any sort.
Using protection like this can increase the sensation of safety and cleanliness,
which helps some people relax and enjoy the experience more. Remember anything
that has come in contact with the anus should be cleaned thoroughly (or
thrown away, in the case of latex barriers) before coming into contact
with the mouth or vagina.If you feel pain in your ass while you're having
anal sex then stop because you run the risk of damaging the anal lining,
which can lead to serious infections. Lots of women (and men) fantasise
about anal rape, being taken forcibly from behind, but anal sex and force
do not mix well. Take it easy. If you find yourself bleeding from the anal
area, go see a doctor right away and don't be embarrassed. Better to be
safe than sorry. . |
| Anal
Training |
 Nature
intended things to pass out of your ass in one direction only. Man, in
his infinite wisdom, delights in trying to go the other way. This is not
without its difficulties because generally when you try to introduce some
foreign object into an unsuspecting ass for the first time, it clenches
and hollers 'No way, Jose'. A variety of methods can be used to relax the
anus and prepare it for anal play. Often lots of tender loving care and
a big dollop of KY jelly is all you need. For those more serious about
this, there are butt-plugs
which, over time, will stretch the sphincter muscles. |
| Anilingus |
Animal
Play |
 Anal-Oral
sex (or ass-licking). You need to be careful about hygiene. A dental
dam or a thin layer of cling-film between your tongue and the
anus doesn't reduce sensitivity much but can stop you getting nasty
infections. |
 Not
to be confused with
bestiality. No chickens getting hurt here constable, only some consensual
role-playing where one or more of the participants adopts the role of an
animal, such as a pony or a puppy. |
|
| Asphyxiation
Play (and Auto-Erotic Strangulation) |
 Asphyxiation
is the unconsiousness and ultimately death which happens when the supply
of oxygen to your brain is cut off. Some people try to enhance their sexual
experience by deliberately choking themselves or letting others do it to
them. The most important thing to know is that it is very risky.
Hardly a month goes by without the tabloid newspapers featuring some poor
soul who died while 'experimenting' in this way. Generally they have masturbated
while restricting their own breathing by putting a plastic bag over their
head or tying a rope or belt around their neck. This really is edge
play, because its dicing with death. Restricting the flow of blood
to the brain can allegedly enhance the sensation of an orgasm but be warned,
this is very dangerous. Often you get away with it, but theres always the
risk that if you wait a fraction too long to take the bag off your head
or release the pressure on your neck you will black out and die. Even having
a partner doing it to you, or watching and ready to resuscitate when you
do it yourself, is no guarantee of safety. When you become unconscious
like this you also run the risk of cardiac arrest. It requires the highest
degree of trust to allow your partner to choke you in this way during sex,
and a wanton degree of recklesness to try it if you're by yourself with
no-one there to help if things go wrong. If you really must do this, never
do it alone but preferably just don't do it. See also breath
control |
